Tuesday 25 November 2014

I Always Wonder

Sometimes when I close my eyes I picture you and I together. It's not awkward, conversations aren't strained. We just know how to be. The years melt away and turn golden. Wounds mend and hearts are unbroken. No tears, just smiles and love. I always wonder if I'm on your mind because you're always on mine. Is it out of sight, out of mind for you? I always wonder. 

Sometimes when I close my eyes I picture you and I together. You become a teacher, not a stranger. We have our own beloved memories. Weekends we're together, you don't walk out the door. You stay and you teach me how to be. You teach me what you've learned in life, tell me truths about life. I always wonder if that was your intentions. I always wanted it to be. Is it out of sight, out of mind for you? I always wonder. 

Sometimes when I close my eyes I picture you and I together. Phone calls are cherished and conversations are long. Time is spent together and always enjoyable. Weeks don't pass by without a word between us. Our bond is strong and unbreakable. I always wonder if I'm on your mind because you're always on mine. Is it out of sight, out of mind for you? I always wonder. 

Sometimes when I close my eyes I picture you and I together. Respect is mutual and understood. Worries and regrets are a thing of nightmares and not reality. Feelings are shared and experiences told. I always wonder if I'm on your mind because you're always on mine. Is it out of sight, out of mind for you? I always wonder. 

Tuesday 18 November 2014

I've been battling for my mental health for the last few months. I can't seem to get on the right track. My anxiety is up and down as well as my depression. It's hard to explain my anxiety to those who have not felt it. When I say outloud how intensely my anxiety affects me and in what ways it seems ridiculous but it's real. I'm learning to talk myself through my more anxious moments. Sometimes I feel self-conscious and anxious walking into my class late or just even getting up and going to the printer. I feel it at school more probably because I have no support here. I find it frustrating because I can't seem to connect with anyone. I've tried and I have some acquaintainces but nothing more. A lot of the time I like to just come to the library and do my work. Most of the other students in my class are at a different stage in life than I am and have more liberties. They are also, in my opinion, immature and focused on superficial things. Make no mistake, I'm not judging but merely stating why I find I cannot find anything in common with them.

I don't feel like myself when I'm here and I really don't like that. Even when my anxiety is under control I still don't feel 100% here. I'm not fond of the environment here. I'm at war with myself. On one hand, I'd like to find one friend but then on the other I enjoy being able to do as I please and not be distracted. I enjoy being able to come to the library and work on my essays and assignments. I enjoy being able to have this time to myself and write in my blog. I enjoy being able to leave after class and not have to make small talk with someone. I have people I can talk to in class that I'm friendly with and people are nice to me as well. As I'm writing this I find I am beginning to relax and my anxiety is slowly ebbing away. I'm also realizing that I don't actually want any further friendships in this school. I'm alright the way I am, the anxiety tries to unhinge me and make me feel less than. I am not. I am happy and more focused this way. School isn't as scary as I make it out to be in my mind. Prior negative experiences have tainted it which is why I struggle.

My mental health at the moment also makes attendance quite difficult. I'm lucky to have my husband and mother for support. Last week, I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed or even shower. I was lethargic and unmotivated. I kept telling myself I'd get up in 5 minutes but I didn't. My husband called and he talked to me and helped me gain the motivation I needed to get in gear. If it wasn't for him, I would've missed a very important presentation in class. My mother helps me as well and really listens to me when I'm explaining how I'm feeling. Both my husband and mother are very good listeners and are extremely empathetic considering they have similar struggles. We make a strong team. My best friend that I've known for 22 years (since we were 3 years old) whom I call my sister is also a very strong support system for me. I'm able to confide in her with no worries of judgmement being placed upon me. We have gone through alot of negative experiences together and I am forever grateful to have her in my life as well.

I'm feeling more positive now and I think I can focus on some work.

Tuesday 11 November 2014

I have made so many blogs and I always felt that there was a certain way to go about writing them. Now I realise it's all up to me and my preferences. I thought I had to go in chronological order when discussing events, experiences, life lessons but I realise now that whatever I feel like writing about that day, I can write about.

I'm giving myself a fresh start with this blog. I will be talking about my life experiences, my daily struggles with mental health, my relationships and also lighter things. I find it best to write in a blog, when I write with pen and paper, my thoughts go so fast I'm hardly able to get them down.

I am studying Social Work. I am in my second year of college and learning so much. I am also bringing alot of life experiences with me. I am a survivor of domestic violence, I am a person dealing with mental illness on a daily basis (anxiety and depression), I am person whose had family struggle with addictions and alcoholism. These things do not define me but they have, in part, made me who I am today. I am lucky to have family support and friends. I have love in my life. I am 25 years old.

I have always felt that I needed an outlet to express myself but I struggle when it comes to talking of others. I feel guilty speaking about other people but I am not doing it in a hurtful way. I just need to be able to speak of things that have happened or are happening. I feel it is therapeutic and writing it down helps clear space in my mind for other things. I'm going to try now to discuss one topic which I've always tried to write down but I'm never able to get the full story out. It won't all be in the first post but I'm going to start.

My parents met when they were 19 and 20. They always told me they met at a party, I know different now, but I will maintain that for the blog. Right away, my dad told my mom they should have a baby and she agreed. A month later, my mom was pregnant. So I've been with them from the start of their relationship which was rocky at best. They were very young, they hardly knew each other and they were about to become first time parents. My dad had anger problems, he never hit my mother but there were a few incidents where he pushed her. His father had anger problems, he was more violent than my father. My dad also struggled with substance abuse for a few years. He finally quit when I was 2 or 3 years old.

 Despite those issues, my father was a hard worker and he maintained his job at a film development company from 19 right up until the company closed when he was in his early 40s. We never had to worry about losing our home. My father provided for us. The first few years were hard for my mother though. He spent alot of the money on drugs, leaving little to take care of groceries and necessities for me. My mother told me that she would have to go to the grocery store and put milk in the bottom of my stroller and hope no one caught her.

My father worked long hours and was not around very much. When he was home, he was either smoking up or sleeping. He was a very jealous man when he was younger and my mother was not allowed to go out much or for very long. Though in later years, he learned to control his jealousy and anger, he was always very anxious and worried. He was always worrying that something would happen to us if we went out or even if we were home. I wasn't allowed to cut cheese for sandwiches until I was 13! I think thats where I get my anxiety from. When I was 3, he had an affair with a woman and my mother found out. That was the first time they seperated but it wouldn't be the last. The affair was shortlived and my dad came home. My mother never fully trusted him again and the relationship became very strained.

I have very few memories of my father spending time with us as a family. I have even fewer memories of him and I spending quality father daughter time together. He was very impatient and he didn't like going out for long periods of time. He liked to be at home in comfy clothes watching sports on TV. I remember being in grade 5 and Father's Day was coming up. My mother was walking me home from school and I looked at her and asked what I should write to my father in his card. I asked her what he wanted for Father's Day. This man was my father and I loved him but I really had no idea who he was. Even now at 25, our relationship is better than it's ever been but I still only know very few things about him.

I think that's it for now.